To Love in Vain
by KJmom
Summary: At some point in time, your best friend became the boy you love.  AS/S unrequited.


**A/N: Thank you to Lori for the beta! Love you so much, my dear :) There is no happy ending here, folks, at least not for Albus. Read on if you don't mind angst.**

You love him. You try not to, but at some point in time, your best friend became the boy you love. You think it might have something to do with how he reacted to finding out you're gay. He smiled at you, told you it would be okay, and not once has he shied away from your touch.

He trusts you. He shouldn't, but he does. He trusts you not to lust after him, not to wank over him, not to need him so desperately. He thinks you're merely friends and nothing more. And, maybe you are, but you can't help wanting so much more.

He believes you. When you tell him you have a crush on some unnamed Sixth Year, he doesn't question you. He encourages you to talk to the boy. He wants you to be happy. He doesn't know, can't possibly imagine, that it is he who would make you happy.

He loves you. His love for you isn't the same kind of love you feel for him, but it will have to be enough. He's straight, painfully so. You figure this out the first time you see him chatting up your sister. You try not to be angry, but you fail, miserably.

He apologizes. He tells you he'll never even look at her again. It's a lie, the first one he's ever told you. But, you can't blame him for it; you're clinging to your own secrets. He thinks you're being the protective big brother. Really, you're jealous of her.

You catch them again. They are wrapped around each other, panting quietly, in the little alcove behind the statue of the One Eyed Witch. Their mouths are fused together, and his hand is tangled in her hair.

You step back, and you must make a noise, though all you can hear is the thundering of your own heart and a loud roaring in your head. They turn to look at you at the same time. Lily is surprised, embarrassed, stumbling for something to say. But, your eyes are riveted on him.

You wait to see what he'll do. But, he says nothing, and his gaze drops to the floor. Then you're running, as fast and as far as your legs will carry you. You aren't sure how long you run, but no matter how far you go, it won't be far enough.

You end up in the stands on the pitch, and finally you break down. Your world crumbles in on you, and you can't breathe. Why did it have to be her? Anyone else and you could cope, but not her. You grasp at the hope that he just hasn't realized she isn't the Potter he truly loves. But even as you think it, you know it's a flimsy dream.

You burst at the seams, falling to your knees and gripping the wood beneath you. You hold on, despite the splinters that bite into the pads of your fingers; the pain helps ground you. You aren't sure how long you kneel there, but the sun has set and your whole body is aching by the time you feel strong enough to stand.

He's waiting for you on your bed, head between his knees, defeat evident in the set of his shoulders. You want to hold him. You wish you could pull him into your arms and make everything okay. So, you swallow all the jealousy, desire, and love that threatens to choke you.

He sobs, a broken, hollow sound, when you pull him to you, and your heart breaks further. He mutters 'sorry' over and over again, and it kills you. He thinks he's lost you, and you have to make sure he knows that could never happen.

That night is the first and only night he spends in your bed. It's bittersweet for you, but you stay close to him all night. He sleeps fitfully, but every whine is soothed by your hand. You caress the sleep warm skin of his side, fingertips slipping just under the hem of his shirt. You brush the fringe back from his forehead and revel in the soft smile that lights his face. You don't sleep, but that's okay. It seems a sacrilege to waste these precious moments that will never again belong to you.

The day he marries her, you cry. Everyone hails you as the sweet, sensitive brother. No one knows you aren't crying for her. Your eyes never leave him during the ceremony, and for the hours following. You can't seem to keep your tears in check, and it's amazing to you that no one seems to notice who it is you're watching. Then, finally tearing your eyes away from him, you catch Lily's eye and she smiles sadly. It's too much, and you stand to leave.

You've only just made it to the front door when she grabs your arm. She's beautiful. Her fiery red hair is pulled up on her head; a few lose tendrils fall to gently frame her face. A tear runs down her face, drips off the end of her chin, and you have an almost uncontrollable urge to hug her. You're still jealous; you still hurt so deeply you can barely breathe. But, it isn't a new feeling and you've grown accustomed to it. Right now, you just want to ease her pain; put that luminescent smile back on her face.

You hug her tightly, and then try to pull back, intending to send her back to her new husband, but she holds to you.

_Oh god, Al, I didn't know. I swear I didn't know._

You don't ask what she means. You don't have to ask. You want to deny it, reassure her, but you've been denying things far too long, and you just can't bring yourself to do it any longer. So, you say nothing and let her comfort you.

_What can I do? What do you want, Albus? I'm so sorry._

Leave him! You long to say the words, but it isn't right. It's in this moment you understand. Loving someone doesn't always mean holding on to them. Sometimes, you can love someone more, _better_, by letting them go.

_Love him, Lily. Love him enough for both of us._

With that, you release your sister, cupping her check tenderly for a moment, before you step back. You give her a smile, and it feels wrong, brittle, but it's the best you can do at the moment. Scorpius walks into the room just as you're backing out of the door. He smiles, opens his mouth, but you don't wait to see what he will say.

As that familiar harsh tug starts just behind your navel, you see him wrap his arms around her, and your only thought is they look good together. They belong together.


End file.
